Life Repeats Itself

I hate saying good bye yet it is a permanent part of my life
backing up.....
beep beep
I'm an Air Force brat
saying good bye was part of my child hood
I developed a strategy
don't think about until you have to
live for today
I think a lot of military families have to operate on that principle
but then when the day came to say good bye it was never easy
i remember many plane rides looking out the window
tears streaming down my face thinking
not again
but in my heart i knew all of those relationships made an imprint on me
that was there forever
no matter
i remember my father leaving in the middle of the night
I was little so I felt like he was leaving forever
my mom always seemed so sad
he was a navigator with the air force and he had to get his flight hours in
I didn't understand
stood under his big overpowering body thinking how can you leave us
why is mom so sad
it wasn't until I was
cleaning out my moms apartment after she died that it all came together
My due date had past
my Dad was supposed to go on a routine flight with his crew
he stayed home waiting for me
i was born
the crew was lost at sea
his Wing was never to be found in the pacific
so on the days following my birth he had to console
the families left behind
and I'm sure he had survivors guilt
but when I found out about this I thought
hey I saved my Dad's life
maybe that's too egocentric
but my coming into this world
might have kept him from exiting this world
I think about that now
and my fathers cherry cheeks
and a certain way he looked at me some times
later in life
and even though he never told me it
i want to believe that those extra years he had because he stayed home for my birth
were
worth
it.
But I would be a very different person, today If I actually heard those words
out of his mouth
but I can't
so I go on
and I still


hate saying good bye