Too Much Information

having teenagers makes me very reflective
all those I'll never.....
I'll always remember what it feels like ......
they are like casper circling my head
PBISAB
Hmm that is my new text short


And I'm thinking about depression
it was part of my adolescent life ,
and I thought that was part of the deal
move every two years
cry be depressed move
repeat
now I can look back and see the pattern
first in my parents
and now in me
it makes me sad that my parents
got by
got through life

they didn't feel like they deserved more
sad was what they knew
and better than sad
was a huge improvement
now that I can look back I see big
gulches
bouncing off the bottom
so because of that
I had a New England composition to fight hard, to dust my self off, even when I was bouncing off the bottom

So I can go back
always being more sad or sensitive
my mom saying "all your friends have to do the same thing
they are fine."
I remember feeling really sad in my teens.
and in college wanting to sleep in a dark room for days.

stuff in between

the traumatic birth of my son,not knowing why I didn't feel quite right and feeling scared

the purchase of our house in California
my father's death
the sale of our house in California , in and out of escrow
our move to Hawaii
9/11 one week after
one year later Mom arriving with inflammatory breast cancer
fire
death
hip replacement
melt down
teen agers
Life is circular
scary
huge
I have not grieved
all of those huge events
I just kept moving on
and now
it's taking my breath
and energy away
and I am not quite sure how that is going to play out